I have been thinking about how I should maintain boundaries so that I can keep my space positive.  I do believe I must do that for balance and even emotions.

~B~U~T~

Then, I think that if I reject all negativity, is that responsible?  Truth can be very very negative.  Should I stick my fingers in my ears and sing:  “La la la la”… so it does not penetrate me?

I think of my Mother.. and how when she was physically here and in a nursing home – I went to see her and was informed of her falling out of her bed.  I looked her over and the bruises did not match the story.  So, I pondered the ‘story’, that she fell out of bed and the truth whispering within me that said ‘she was neglected..’  Ah.. would be much easier to just accept the ‘story’ and comfort my Mother and move on.  BUT, do I defend my Mother?  Do I raise my voice of truth?  I did.

It was not easy.. it was very very emotional for me.  Trying to maintain myself and not fly off at the ‘controllers’ of the nursing home.  I needed to present my complaint with complete control and surety.  It was hard .. but.. she is my Mother!

So, today, our Mother Earth, and all her children are suffering very very horribly.  This is due to many lies.. Un-Truths.  I research and research.. trying to prove MYSELF WRONG.  But, alas, the LIES are real and have been going on for AGES.

I ‘know’, I, alone, cannot wage a complaint of ANY effect.  It will take ‘ALL’…

So, I ask you:  Do you care about your Mother?  Mother Earth?

Do you care about your Brothers and Sisters?

We are ONE.

You must destroy before you build.  A clean foundation is necessary.

I wanted to write about how you need to remove the negativity within in order to be free of it.  I wanted to express that sometimes trying to learn how.. reading constantly.. searching for the way can greatly deter your awakening.

I was driving.. and suddenly I saw this.  This place is/WAS the Parma Town Mall.  She was beautiful.. like a newborn baby. She was busy busy.  But as she grew in age, things around and within changed.  Businesses left.. people quit coming.  So, she was left alone.

Well, they are now rebuilding her into a beautiful open shopping area.  So, to become the beautiful place she is .. she must be destroyed.  Everything must be torn down to the bare foundation… earth.  ALL NEGATIVITY MUST BE REMOVED…ALL.

Then, her re-birth can occur.

I’ll leave it at that.. for now.

Crossing out Lies and writing Truth on a blackboard.

At the age of 62, I often just sit and think about my life.  I think about how blessed I am.  I have had many.. many experiences.  I have kept many of them… ‘secret’.  Why?  Because I don’t think people will believe me and what all I have experienced.  They are so crazy-wild.. I thought, felt, others would think I am a grand liar!

Well, I am not a liar.  And I have decided it is time to speak openly.. speak my truth.

I will not list it all.. all that I have experienced.. you would have no choice but to roll your eyes and say within:  “yeah…. RIGHT”.

Instead, I will use just one.

I dropped out of school at the age of 16.  I was pregnant.  This was in 1971.. not as accepted to continue on with school and be pregnant.  So, I was outta there and got married.

I am not going to detail all of that at all.. even though, the marriage, children I had and the end of the marriage created a CRATER within.  It is what I did later that is my message.

I waitress-ed and bar-tended for years.. having no education.. it seemed to be my only choice.  One evening, I was bar-tending in this really popular nightclub with live music and suddenly I felt as though God took a sledge hammer and slammed it over my head.  At that very instant, I quit serving drinks and found the manager.  I told him I am quitting.. he asked:  “When?”  I said “NOW” and I walked out.  I didn’t plan any any of it.. it just happened.  My inner voice SCREAMED at me and I FINALLY LISTENED.

So.. I decided to go to college.  I worked first at getting my GED and completed it.  I went to the local Technical College, got financial help and signed up full time.  I didn’t know what I wanted to ‘BE’… but computers at that time, which was 1982,  were UP AND COMING!  So, I decided to jump on that band wagon.

I discovered how much I LOVE TO LEARN!  I studied soooo hard.. and I had BIG fun!  I learned to program in COBOL, BASIC programming and RPG.  I loved it – loved it.!!!

In 1984, I graduated with HONORS!!!!  Yep.. I DID IT.

That is all I want to say about it but, that is not why I wrote this.  I wrote this to express to ALL that anyone can do ANYTHING.. ANYTHING!!!!!

You just have to completely soulfully want it.  THERE IS ALWAYS A WAY!!!

My biggest point is this:

“GOD DID NOT CREATE US AND ASSIGN SPECIAL KNOWLEDGE.. GIFTS TO EACH.  HE DID NOT SAY:  ‘SUSIE WILL BE A SCIENTIST’.. ‘BOBBY WILL ONLY BE POOR AND HOMELESS’.  WOULD GOD DO SUCH A THING????”

I think I’ll leave it at that.

Sometimes you visit a place and leave with souvenirs and pictures.  Other times, like when I visited Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco, you leave changed.  Touched by what remains, you are one in a million who has been there before only to leave after a brief visit.  How many others have seen below the surface?  How many have seen what really is the heart of San Francisco?

With a destination in mind and a camera around my neck, I stood with about twenty other people waiting for a cable car at Powell and Sutter.  Several full cars passed by before I was able to climb aboard one.

“You move to back of car!  Move!  Move!”  The driver shouted at us in broken English like we were prisoners and he the officer transporting us to the big house to serve the sentences rightfully imposed on us.  The famous “ding-ding” of the bell rang.  I tried to keep my face out of the guy’s armpit next to me while with every stop made, I realized that the pedestrians were making better time than I.  Still, riding a cable car is part of San Francisco.

Stepping off the car, I walked the three blocks to Fisherman’s Wharf.  I passed a man with long hair sitting cross-legged on the concrete playing bongos with taped fingers.  The hide of the bongos was worn yellow from use.  The yellow formed a circle that surrounded black circles that stood out like eyes in the center of each drum.  There was a look in the eyes of the man that I really couldn’t place.  I wondered if he was blind or just blind to all the people dressed in designer jeans with wallets bulging with credit cards and paper money.  His cup sat near him waiting for a coin.  He didn’t accept credit cards.  Some people stopped and stared while others passed by never looking his way.

Walking on toward Pier 39, I had to stop to avoid a family with Daddy passing out money to his two teenage daughters.  They were dressed in crisp outfits.  Their new white Reeboks were blinding in the afternoon sun.  They all had smiles on their faces and sparkling eyes reflecting the prospect of spending money.  As I turned, I saw the cross-legged man in torn jeans playing on, with white taped fingers and empty eyes.

Looming behind him, Alcatraz sat alone in the San Francisco Bay.  Sail boats drifted around the island that no longer held prisoners.  Tourists stood in line to by tickets so that they could ride a boat to the middle of the bat to see what the old prison looks like on the inside.  Many years ago, prisoners would pay anything to leave, to never see the inside of those walls again; to never again smell the stench of caged animals.  Yet, people with bulging pockets and blinding white shoes pay money to see it.

The gray bay water was rough, not smooth or mellow.  It struck out at the pier with increasing persistence only to subside and begin again.  The was not inviting and I had no desire to shed my shoes and feel its touch.  It was not transparent nor reflective but opaque and concealing.  I wondered what lay deep within those waters, but I did not wish to explore.  Instead, I did what I shopped in numerous every other tourist does when he visits Fisherman’s Wharf, over-priced shops and ate in the many over-priced restaurants.  After I had my fill of shopping and eating, I headed back to the cable car stop.

With packages in hand, I passed the man still playing the bongos and, like everyone else, I didn’t look his way.

As I approached the cable car stop I saw over a hundred people waiting in line to return to the city.  The prospect of waiting in the hot afternoon sun for my turn to ride the cable car irritated me a little.   I looked around at the other tourists and from the scowls on their faces, I knew I was not alone.  The foul graffiti scribbled on the buildings across the street told me it was not the best part of town.  The neatly dressed tourists with their many packages looked out of place standing next to the rundown apartment buildings.

Realizing I had forgotten to buy my ticket, I asked the two young women behind me if they would please save my place.  I then headed for the ticket machine.  When I arrived at the machine, I saw a dark-haired man wearing faded blue jeans offering to help a tourist figure out the complicated ticket machine.  He took the tourist’s money and went through the process outlined in the many steps and purchased the tickets for the man.  Being grateful that he did not have to figure out the complicated machine by himself, the tourist gave the beggar a dollar for his trouble.  The beggar continued to help other tourists until a female police officer approached him and, pulling out her billy club, ordered him to leave at once.  I was sorry she chased him away because it took the tourists even longer to purchase their tickets when they had to figure out how to work the machine by themselves.

Ticket in hand, I resumed my place in the line after thanking the two women for securing my spot.  Just then, I noticed a man with long, stringy brown hair standing next to the line.  “Ladies and gentlemen!”  he announced.  “I am here to perform balancing tricks for you while you wait for the cable car to come!”  He reminded me of an act in a three-ring circus.  He took a dirty looking, empty pop bottle and proceeded to balance it upside down on his forehead.  With it balanced on his head, he lowered himself to the ground.  He then made his way back up to a standing position without touching or dropping the bottle.  I looked around and I saw that the scowls of my fellow tourists had turned to smiles.  This dirty, stringy-haired man had managed to transform a filthy bottle into an entertaining act.  He then made an over exaggerated bow while saying loudly, “Thank you ladies and gentlemen!”.  The majority of tourists clapped.  He then continued balancing bottles, a pair of sunglasses, a knife and anything else the audience would supply.  Whenever a cable car approached, he would say, “Here comes the cable car, ladies and gentlemen!  The next act starts when the cable car leaves!  Thank you!”  Periodically he would pass around hat around for donations and the dispose of his earning in a dingy blue knapsack that was slowly filling with money.  In what seemed like no time at all, I hopped aboard the cable car after giving the entertainer two dollars for making my time go by.

As the cable car climed Taylor toward the city, I looked back at Fisherman’s Wharf.  Pier 39 was in the center of it all while Alcatraz stood in the gray waters of the San Francisco Bay.  The poorer neighborhood with the beggars entertaining and offering assistance to the tourists provided a rippling effect that lost its shine the further away I traveled.

On the last evening of my stay in San Francisco, some friends took me to dinner at Fisherman’s Wharf.  After we ate, we decided to go for one last walk.  Faced with what I saw my first day, I suddenly stopped.  There with the moon in the sky and Alcatraz in the dark bay behind him was the man in dirty blue jeans, sitting cross-legged playing worn bongos with taped fingers and empty eyes.

I had to run in order to catch up with my friends who had continued walking ahead of me.  The impact of seeing what will remain, like that man still there and the presence of Alcatraz in the bay, was so great that I tried to explain the emotion I felt to the.  But, they were obviously not as moved as I was.  Realizing that some people don’t see the world in the same way as others, that they don’t see below the surface, I kept it all to myself.  Until now, that is.

My final words on negative end to Enota Experience is this.  The negative I am locking away is the human interaction with the leaders.  I gained so much from that journey.. words cannot explain.  But, gotta release that negative part.  I KNOW it was intended.  It was NOT meant to be.  God KNEW I needed more to release.. to spark a fire in my soul.  He knew how much I love adventures.  He knew I needed to go on one and Enota was represented.

I needed to express my inner voice to the ones who CONTROL Enota.. so, after escaping from negativity and heading to a hotel.. I sent this email.

_________________________________________________________________

________________________________________________________

Emailed.

I then started to some googling and found information that is questioning.   Court proceedings.. etc.  I sent several emails with information and stated I will not stop.

I then received a call from my brother that they would not refund unless I called them.

I did so.. it was Donna, the Director and she said they will not refund unless I write them that I will not do anything to them.  She also, stated I was ‘threatening’.  I asked her, “Donna, did I send anything to you that is ‘UNTRUE’… DIDN’T HEAR A NO”!!!!

So,  I did send and email to give them what they ASKED.. but NOT what they wanted!

—————————————————-

Thank you Donna for the truly heartfelt conversation.  I appreciate your willingness to listen.  

I am requesting you refund the 300.00.

I appreciate the opportunity to serve Mother Nature in sustaining her true beauty.  It is unfortunate that our views on this do not meet.

I do not intend to harm ENOTA!  I LOVE Enota and would NEVER EVER do anything to harm her.  I PROMISE!

God bless… and may you follow your mission and accomplish what is good… loving and true!

———————————————————

Well, I did not lie.  I would NEVER harm ENOTA!  In fact, I must save her.  So.. I got the money and I am contacting a couple agencies tomorrow.  They had me sign paperwork so they can get some funding/assistance due to being a volunteer.

I am also going to advise that no one there has been there for more then 2 months and that they may be receiving funding for individuals illegally… I just feel that ‘inside’.

————————————————–

GAME OVER

Chapter closed.  THE END

I am a SPIRITUAL BADASS

AND

I AM UNFUCKWITHABLE

whew…. I will not let people control others and use them!  never ever

I have always loved Musicians.. loved ’em.

They are REAL.. they say what they want .. they be who they want.

Why.. I ask.. can’t someone NOT FAMOUS ‘say what they want…. be who they want’

Why?  Can’t they be their Authentic self without others thinking they need medication.. or they are INSANE… mmmmm

Ponder.. ponder… think .. think…

Writers too.. they can be whoever they want!  They have best sellers!  They are ADORED…

Why can’t just one person.. one soul.. be themselves?

Why?

Isn’t it STRANGE?

I suddenly know why I was guided to Enota!  I needed to get my SHIT together…. time is short… I am 61.  Days are limited.

God knows I want EVERYTHING I can get in this life … EVERYTHING.

I was stagnant .. bored… lazy.. sad.  Nothing was going on.  I was distracted by others issues and making myself BELIEVE I was to help them SEE.  I was wrong.  Only THEY can find the way.  I can not hold their hand and pull them to it.  I CAN guide.. but that is all.  Doing anything else is harmful to THEM!

So, God, in all his wisdom.. KNEW I loved adventure and mother nature.. and BOOM ENOTA!… It was NEVER EVER meant to be.. not at all.

He prodded me to get in my car and journey.. go on a spiritual adventure.. experience my soul.. talk, communicate with my soul.  Figure out my last days… my final days to DANCE!

AND, I am blessed blessed blessed.  ABSOLUTELY NO disappointment!!!  NONE!

Wow!  Thank you God!  Thank you for the KICK IN THE SOUL!

I plan to make you proud.

I dream.. I wish… I want…

I have been loved.. I have been LEFT..

I have been HURT.. I have been DESTROYED!!!!!

I STILL believe in LOVE between two souls.  I will never ever believe different.

What do I want?  What do I discuss with God?

I say.. God, I want to share my life.. I want someone who is ME… who is like a conversation, and experience with myself!

I will not not not.. want to change him.. and he will not want to change me.

We will DANCE through our life!

That’s all God.

I arrived at Enota and my heart was pounding and pounding .. excitement consumed me and I felt as though I would EXPLODE!

I went into the lodge and announced:  “PJ made it!”….  I was met by questioning looks.  That didn’t bother me though.. I’m used to that.  I realize I can be a bit hard to take.

Then… we went through the formalities of paperwork and such.

Dr. Susan Suan.(a non practicing Chiroprater).. who is the Trustee introduced herself and shook my hand.  Her handshake sent a lightening bolt through me.  Sounds odd.. but seriously, that is what happened.  I then met Donna, the Director.  They … well, how to say this and express what I felt?  STOIC  yea they were STOIC.  {a member of a school of philosophy founded by Zeno of Citium about 300 b.c.holding that the wise man should be free from passion, unmoved by joy or grief, and submissive to natural law}.

I kept my happy face.. unmoved by them.  I told myself.. “Hey, maybe something big just happened and they are processing that).

I went and moved some things into my little room in the Mic Mac and proceeded to explore and make my video.  I then went to the lodge and asked what everyone does for dinner… they said, go to the Farmhouse by the Organic Garden.  So, I went.  I met Michael, age 29, and Ben, 21.  They were so cute and happy!  AHHHH happiness is here!  Praise the Lord!  BUT, Michael said, “Did you notice no one is happy here?  They forgot to take their HAPPY PILLS”!!!!  wow wow.. my intuition was starting to prod me… big time.  BUT, I decided to give it all a chance.  After all, this is a whole new environment.. life!

After that, I wanted to go to town:  Hiawassee, Georgia.  I went to Lodge to see if anyone needed anything and Dr Suan wanted Brocolli… gave me money and off I went.  Came back, handed to her and she then said:  ” Your sent is strong.. too strong.. your perfume…you must do something about that!”  ah… I just squirtted some white musk on like at 7 am.. that’s it.  I said:  “Okay.. I have no problem NOT wearing any.”  Again… TRYING to fit in!

I went to my room.. laid on my bed and it was AWFUL!!!!!  I have been sleeping on a couch for 2 years and it was heaven compared.  Yet, I said to ME… just try to sleep and deal with it in the morning.

Well, I awoke when still dark and was looking at the stars when a man walked by.  I asked what is going on.. what am I supposed to do.. he said:  Meeting is always at 8 in the Lodge.

So, I go to Lodge at 7:45.  I am getting coffee and telling someone that my bed was hard to sleep on.  Then, suddenly there is Donna saying:  “PJ, come here and Betty, join us”.

We go into another room and Donna tells me:  “You do not complain here.  If you complain, you will be asked to leave.”  In that moment.. I allowed my inner voice, my automatic voice to speak.  I said “I did not mean to be ‘complaining’ but that be is bad.. real bad and I cannot be doing physical work at the age of 61 and sleep on it”  She went on and on and to be honest.. I did that MAN thing and tuned her out!  I really did NOT care what she said.  It was unimportant.  BUT, when she paused long enough.. I said:  “OK, I understand.  BUT, you must understand that I did not know and I would appreciate you understanding that I cannot own being ‘wrong’ when I wasn’t aware.”

I hugged her.  Yes, I hugged her.  I said “Thank you”.  The end.  done.. I just showed LOVE and let it gooooooo.

Went back to meeting.  There were only about 10 people there.  NO ONE looked happy.  NO ONE NO ONE.

Except smiling Michael and Ben!  We 3 were quite the trio!  We would look at each other like… “What the hell is going on???”… it was comical..and SAD.

So… after that, Donna said I was going to get trained to run the front desk.  I then asked.. “ah… what about breakfast?”  She said I should do that before the 8:00 meeting.  So, No breakfast for PJ!

THEN, Donna said to pick up twigs.  The winter brought down many branches and twigs on the property and I said “OKAY.. I can do that”.  She said to just make piles and someone will pick up later.

I was happy to be outside.  So.. I’m picking up sticks.  THEN, Dr Suan comes up and says:  “Get a wheel barrow and put the twigs in and then dump into the fire they have going.”  “OKAY, I can do that!”…..

THEN, Walter, who was doing contruction on the Motel rooms says:  “I really need that wheel barrow to move the trash.. or whatever.. from the contruction”  He said:  “Make piles and I will pick them up”… OKAY I CAN DO THAT!

THEN, Dr Suan appears and says:  “Where is the wheel barrow and I say.. Walter needed it.  I picked up some and now he needs it.  She made me go to where the fire is and said:  “Where are the twigs you picked up?  I don’t see them.”

OH MY… I can’t take it!!!!!  She then says:  YOUR perfume is STILL to strong and you MUST take care of that!   I told her I put NONE on!

Alright.. THAT WAS IT!  She left.. I stood there… I was full of EMOTION.. I was EXPLODING AND Walter, the contractor.. came over and said to me:  “YOU NEED A HUG.. can I give you one?”… I screamed YES.. and he hugged me so tight and I cried.. no , I wept.  I told him I don’t think I can do this!!!!

He then told me:  “I gave up my whole business to come here and be a Project Manager”  It is not good here… it is bad.  Dr Suan is a control freak who is trying to make a name for herself as the ONE who saved Enota.  AND, it is at others expense.  She is putting people into ‘SLAVERY’.  She does NOT care what she does to achieve her goal.

He told me I can come to his RV anytime.

I left… I walked around the playground picking up sticks and thinking.  I was thinking “what will everyone think if I just walk away?”…. I will look like an IDIOT….

Suddenly… I said to ME:  “I DO NOT CARE.. WHAT anyone THINKS of me.  I KNOW this is not right.”

I packed my little Toyota Yaris.. stick shift up and LEFT.. No goodbye.

I was gone baby gone.

Believe it or not, there is even MORE!  I had to have my final say because.. THat is who I AM… I am a “

SPIRITUAL BADASS

AND

I AM UNFUCKWITHABLE

I don’t understand… sooooo much.  It grows and grows.  The weeds of non-love.  Why?  I don’t understand.. the why.

It was beautiful!  It was a dream come true!  To do something that has TRUE meaning.  To express my love.. to dedicate myself to sustain the beauty.

I don’t understand.

WHY?