AND then, I paused.  I stopped and noticed my thoughts and what they were and why they existed. 

I let my own opinion fill me while I dismissed the thoughts of others. 

I slowed down and listened to my voice and realized.. that was all I needed to hear and consider.

Into the night,
My soul takes flight.
Soaring above and seeing my life.

The sun is rising as I look at the town,
Where I grew from a child.

I linger and laugh at the teenager in me
Climbing out of windows and being so free

I met a boy
And he brought out my sexuality
Little did I know that wasn’t reality.

Then there I was holding my child
A mother too soon I knew not how

Then there I was with another child
I found myself filled with joy

I could be a child which my life had not allowed
I was suddenly deserted by the boy I met

That was a day I’ll never forget

Darkness came over me
I could not see

I lost who I was
Who I thought was me

I left my children
One sunny day

I packed my car and ran away
I could not find myself no matter how far I traveled

Now I know who I was running from was me

So I tried to find myself
Filled with guilt and shame
Not worthy of life

Then he raped me
This I still keep deep inside of me

I missed my life
My children I loved

But could not face everyone
I had run from.

I had secrets inside of me
That I dare not share with those surrounding me

Finally I cried until I thought I’d die
And got in my car and faced my life

Things did not go well as I knew they wouldn’t
Denied my children
I felt broke

But, my life went on
though every day I felt misery

I mourned my loss
Mourned my awful mistakes

I pondered me and who I should be
I was a mother and now didn’t feel like one
Didn’t deserve to be one

I filled with madness
Drink was my escape

Made me more miserable
I just felt awful

My life became one big party
That way I escaped my reality

Then I met another boy
Thinking maybe he would fill me with joy

Someone to love me
For I forgot what that was like
nd so I started another life

Life then started anew and I went to learn
To begin a career

I felt happiness was ever so near
And suddenly I had another chance

There I was – another child
A mother again

So long ago she went away
I knew for sure she was here to stay
And so my life went on a happy way

Then it was like deja vu

He left me this boy
Just like the first

The sun fell out of my sky

Once again I was in the sea
I asked God, oh why why me?

What did I do to deserve this insanity?

So, once again there I was
Under the water. Trying to swim above

I could not take this again
I was determined to not become insane again

I swam to the top and treaded the sea

I was insistent upon staying me

It was hard oh so hard
Sometimes I wished I could float above

Above this earth where I didn’t seem to fit

I lost my job, my home
I felt oh so alone

But my child kept me alive

Then there he was following me
Absolute terror surrounded me

I ran my son and me
Hiding out from that evil man

So scared so scared
Then there was justice though not that much

Soon it was time for my child to go to sea
Where he served our country

Then I met another boy
Who seemed to understand me

What a lie

My mental state was not good

He hit me physically

I thought I deserved it

I guess I still was not free

Of all my past and misery

Somehow someway I broke away

Then I started yet another life

I left the town where I had grown
Got in my car and I just drove

I found a job
I found my home

Where I felt so happy even though I was alone

I then fell once again

My mind just broke

To explain, I can’t even begin

I didn’t want to be that way…again

I sought out a life preserver to pull me out of the water I’d sunk in

And then I knew. I finally knew

My mind, me, are okay

Special in a wonderful way

I treat myself, my mind with meds

Finally I know what life really is

The adjustment was hard
Actually still very hard

My first two babies are embracing me
And my third… well, he really worries me

I rescued him from a dark cave
A man out of him, I will make

So, after a life of trying to find me
I discovered myself which was always within me

And now I travel through my sunset of life

And realize that all the lives I have lived

Were really gifts

The sun may be setting for me

But, I am free

And happy to be me

I’ll forge ahead and live a new life

And so it goes… me, myself and I

Experiencing whatever is life

It may not be the best it could be

But I am ever so happy

The smiles I have though wrinkle my face

They come from joy

Which I now embrace

I may be graying and my body failing

But I’m so happy so happy for life

Soon the sun will set once again

Then it won’t come up

But I am sure I’ll be in a new place

Where the stars will shine

The sun will glow bright

The moon will smile upon my next life

I’ll see the ones I lost

And wait for the ones I left

And discover whatever is given me next.

PJ/A.K.A. Manifestations

Patty Jo

May 15th, 2017

Mmmm… So Good!  My life, that is.  How, Why… WHATEVER!

Not going to analyze it.  Not going to go there.

I will stay still and feel the never ending moment.  I will breathe it in slowly.  Then, hold my breath ever so slightly absorbing the details within every single cell of the human body.

Then, I will slowly exhale what is left.

And, so, I breathe.